Held - Free

A grateful attitude becomes a grid through which you perceive life. Gratitude enables you to see the Light of presence shining on all circumstances. Cultivate a thankful heart, for this glorifies all of creation and fills one with Joy. ~ JC

I write this in a place of transition. As I wait to fill the void of permanent shelter by moving into my new rental suite, there is a resurgence of Hope within me. I have returned to the Island with renewed strength. Much like the polished by the sea water stones… I am changed. 

My movements from the north, where I worked in the Provincial Parks, began with a 10 hr bus trip from Prince George to Kelowna. Tucked amongst my excess lilac luggage was the confirmation of a job interview in Victoria. This immersion would be the third Government job I have held a position, yet more momentous is the journey that led me here. Recently, I posted the following on my Facebook, as being hired to work in this field has resulted in a circle of love, attached to my late daughter Shayla. 

I have always seen my life unfold- in the pages turned-of my completed chapters.
My latest achievement acquiring employment as a Residential Mental Health Support Worker, sees me witness the past merging with the future, in the transitory of a torch from daughter to mother. To understand the significance of where I am currently in my life, one has to understand 15 years ago, the route of providence taken. After a health battle that nearly cost me my life, Shayla made a decision to impart her experiences with seeing her mother suffering and chose to help others. Once I had ‘recovered,’ she proudly brought home her Grad Transition book to show me. I expected to see her life dream plans of seeking a dance career, amongst the folios. She had studied, attended and devoted her years to ballet, jazz, contemporary, lyrical and hip- hop dance. Upon opening my daughter’s Transition plans, the first page read: 
“To My Mom~ My Hero.”
Her newfound career was to become a Human Service Worker and get her degree as a Social Worker. Shayla, with her golden compassionate heart, wanted to help those in
need…to Be the Change she wished to see in this world.
My daughter did not believe in labeling people, she saw individuals as a source of light…even when they were consumed by darkness. For through my own overcoming of adversities, there was the origin of her desire to serve~ both community and the Saviour, the core of her faith.

Last week when I was hired for my job, it was a moment of recognizing how our unique relationship between us has life turned around.
For I have become all what my babygirl stood for and in doing so grown into the woman, I always imagined Shayla would have been.
Amongst the midst of my life impacting moments… I am now doing exactly what my daughter Shayla was preparing for.

As for my travels, I made sure to re-connect with those important in my life.

The first person to greet me in the Okanagan was my best friend Sherry. I love Sherry like family and I am protective of her. We shared dinner and I gave her a belated birthday present~ a CD player with CD’s. Sherry’s reaction was precious; full of glee as if I had gifted her a box of diamonds. In return she presented me with a wooden plaque that speaks volumes on our 29 years of friendship.

Our short visit came to an end far too soon, yet it was wonderful to be welcomed back!

The next day, I was treated to lunch by Amanda. Her fiery spirit has always been a source of inspiration. We shared in conversation of love found and lost, aptitudes and growth. The next day she invited me over for dinner to the beautifully decorated home she shares with her husband. The original indigenous art hung upon the walls speaks volumes of the deep connection to her work. Before dinner, Amanda's neighbour came over with landscaping plans for their strata complex. Having landscaping experience, I asked to see the layout and offered suggestions as to colour and flowers to be planted. To my delight, both Amanda and the strata manager liked my ideas. It was brilliant to think that when it was all complete, my dear friend would be looking at flora and fauna, I had contributed to. 

 

Amanda and I

 
While in Kelowna, I managed to see my brother Brad and we spent quality time together watching the movie, “I Can Only Imagine.” I also surprised my brother with a visit to Kasugai Japanese Gardens nestled within the city. His reaction both to the faith movie and the pristine landscape was of solitude and freedom from his daily strife. He showed me the wooden cross of Shayla’s, which I had given him...sharing how he carries it everywhere he goes. 
It was all I could take not to reach into his broken soul and hug the hurt, little boy he still carries. 

Me and my brother Brad

My mother and I did not have much of a visit, as her dog was passing away from cancer. In writing this, I struggle with any connection to a woman -- I barely know. While my scars have healed and forgiveness extended to her, when I look at who she is, I see a walking shell. 
My continual prayers are for her to be at peace one day and for her to learn the power of release in forgiving herself. 

The following day, I was given a ride in the supped up van of my road tripping, cherished, gal pal TJ. She was the one who had driven me up north, when the road was washed out by flash floods in Cache Creek. I hopped in, ready for another adventure with someone who knows every volume of my life book. Our conversations centered on transformation ~ including my new hairdo! I spoke of how I had to lose myself in the woodlands of the north, to find out who Tonya really is. 

The next leg of my travels was a visit long overdue to see my sweet friend Sarah and her loved, little boy Jade. To finally meet the son of someone I have been friends with many years, the one I have bought birthday and Christmas gifts and whose mother I treasure, was such a beautiful gift! As Sarah made a delicious homemade soup, we chatted, while I played with Jade. His incredible laughter, is fused with such a care-free spirit, of someone connected both to his momma and mother earth. When Jade brought his little blankie to me and handed it over, I knew I was accepted into his world. In taking me on a tour of the lovely home they have, I was in awe of the many exceptional hats Sarah owns…another great trait we have in common. When I entered each room, I felt the love put into it. Nearing a living area, I was beside myself when I saw the tree mural in her home, which reminded me alot of my novel’s website for UTST. Later, Sarah gifted me a book I have wanted for a long time~ The Hidden Life of Trees. Despite my bulging baggage, which seemed to possibly not hold another item, I managed to tuck the stunning, hard cover book amongst my things. Truth be told, I was willing to abandon my socks and underwear to fit it in! Our time, much like with others I saw, seemed fleeting… yet I reminded myself to appreciate all that we had spent together.

Upon my arrival in Vancouver, it was a complete turnaround of emotions. Once where I referred to the city as a “concrete jungle,” now I was eager to explore. My visit to Capilano Suspension Bridge was as if I had come home. 

I took tours, walked along the cliff walk and pounced on the suspension bridge. Upon ascending into the Treetop’s Adventures, I was vibrating. 

 Many emotions were evoked by the cedars and firs unspoiled surroundings. I thought of the tree house in my book and who it symbolizes. Amongst my walking, I sought out any sitka I could find. To my disappointment, there were only two surviving spruce. The other groves of Sitka’s had been cultivated for ships in the late 1800’s. In reflecting on this, it was troubling how something sacred could be sacrificed for another’s gain. 

I marvelled how I had once lived so close to such unparalleled splendour and it took me going to the north, to discover its beauty on my return. 

Nearing the end of my travels back to the Island, I saw a friend from the parks, Christine. We had dinner together and spoke of stigmas and the challenges of labels. I had a chance to thank her in person, for making my time at Moberly, a positive experience. I shared about my upcoming interview and the new beginnings awaiting me. 

On the way back to where I was staying, the fragility of life was made apparent when two vehicles crashed right at the corner we were crossing. In the melee was a elder man who had been struck. The drivers were okay, as they stood outside. Walking over, Christine called 9-11 and we accessed the scene. Nothing prepares you to see someone struck by a vehicle and that night I was plagued by nightmares. I pray the man survived. 

It was a terrible way to end the night and say good bye to my friend. 

The next day, the last person I made plans to reconnect with, was a reunion 26 years in the making.

A former love of my life, Christopher had come to meet up with me in Vancouver. In receiving his hug, I felt as if no time had gone by. We were meeting as equals…friends that had a past. While we spoke of life lessons, I divulged in great detail about my daughter Shayla. I spoke of her 21 years fulfilling life and her unexpected, sudden death. In disclosing more about my novel, I explained how every character holds a part of me ~ especially the Sitka spruce  and the tree house connection. Listening attentively, Christopher understood the union of the two. From him, there was no judgment, no blame…only sincere empathy. We decided to carry on our exchange of words over to a local pub for lunch, which he kindly bought. There was more disclosure and in doing so, I felt Shayla’s approval in releasing something, buried beneath the roots of the sitka. 

In talking, we discovered how our paths had overlapping circles, with our footprints travelling as far as London. We were bound to meet again…in the time warp of fate we would find our way to one another in friendship…in doing so, I was finally able to speak of things cloaked in secrecy. 

More than often, we have to see our horizons meet and stars realign with a person, in order to be released from the past. 

Our decision to remain good friends, has found Under the Sitka Tree complete a cycle I never could have imagined. 

In returning to the Island…my voyage back was permeated with remarkable people, memories formed and conclusion of a chapter in my life. Since arriving, I have met new acquaintances, obtained a Government job in the mental health sector and rented my own place. After two years of my gypsy roaming, I have come home to love who Tonya is…a faith warrior! 

In departing from the north, the titles I once held were cleared away— much like the daily maintenance of the campsites I cleaned— I have been restored!

By TL Alton